Thursday, July 9, 2009

A month away

Not sure where to start with this post. I guess I'll start with an update with the process itself. We've finished all the testing. The dates I was given for the egg retrieval and implantation are the week of August 9th. I'm scheduled at the end of this month to have surgery for a polyp removal. Not a big deal, they just want to make sure it wouldn't interfere with the embryo implantation.
I'm a little nervous. Mostly because there's a lot of prep work. I have to start on birth control pills (I know, it seems strange, but they need to be able to regulate my cycle), as well as doing horomone shots and then needing to get blood drawn to make sure all the levels are where they need them to be. I'm terrible about taking pills. I do fine when I give them to patients, but for myself, I always end up taking them late or forgetting them completely. So I'm hoping the motivation of a child and spending a lot of money will help me remember. =)
So emotionally, things have been a roller coaster for me. There've been a lot of "why's", and  plenty of fighting with God. Despite how many positive things have happened with this whole process, I've still had doubts about God's will, struggling with wanting God's will instead of mine, and whether questions that I ask Him are answered by Him, or my head. Also, I'm often frustrated when I'm not answered at all.
In fact, there have been times where I've had fleeting thoughts and doubted my faith and God all together. That's something I've not had since I was a teenager. 
Yesterday Joel and I went to a concert called "Scream the Prayer". There were about 8-10 Hardcore/Metal bands that played. Now I know only a select few of my friends enjoy that type of music, but regardless of whether or not the music is something you like, they all have an unbelievable heart for God. One of these bands, Sleeping Giant, has an unbelievable presence. It's really like a church service. An incredibly awesome, loud church service.
 Anyway, every show they have they always say that if anyone needs prayer for anything, to come see them when their set is done. I had gone out to the back where the merch tables were and when I saw Thom, the vocalist, I really felt pushed to go have him pray with me. That was pretty difficult. I'm the kind of person who likes to take care of others, pray for others, and I wanted to say that those other people that want to talk to him need prayer more than I do probably, so I don't want to take up their time. But that push just wouldn't go away. So I went and asked if he'd pray for me.
Let me just say that these guys are amazing. They are so blessed and filled with the Holy Spirit. Just completely on fire for God. There have been times at multiple shows that God has used them to physically heal people. (even an occasional mosh pit injury) But the point being, that I didn't know exactly what I needed to pray for. I just knew that this whole situation was really burning me. I told Thom about our situation, and told him that I just could not get over why this was happening, and that I was struggling spiritually. He brought the band's guitarist over and they began to pray. When I prayed with them, they prayed for exactly what I needed prayer for. And I didn't even know it. 
I struggled with a bit of depression when I was a teenager, and for the past 5-6 years, have been much better. But one thing that Thom said while he was praying that just clicked and made sense was that he saw a demon called Disappointment that was just gnawing at my back. And he prayed that it would be gone. I realized then how true that was. I have taken so many little things in my life and let the disappointment of how they have gone (or not gone) and let it eat away at me. Not to the point that I'm depressed and don't want to be here, but that I have become apathetic. I have not had any real goals in life lately, other than becoming a mom, then when that hasn't worked out, it just got me tied up spiritually and mentally. 
When they finished praying, I felt a huge weight off me. And although it's only been 1 day, I've felt like a new person. For the 1st time I completely feel ok with whatever God has for me. Whether in vitro works or not. When I prayed, I often would just get out what I wanted to say to God instead of listening to Him, afraid of what He would say.  Afraid of being disappointed by what His answer would be. But now, I have new meaning. Not just being a mom (which I am  still hoping for) but being a child of God. Becoming a revolutionary for His name and His kingdom. But that's a whole other topic. =)
So please continue to pray. While that prayer was a huge healing for me, we need continual prayer, and with the procedures coming up on us fast, we need your prayer for that and whatever God's will would be.